..most times when my heart breaks, it isn't for myself..

Why do you choose to hold on to hurts? To never let go of your past, or the wrong decisions. The ones that held you back, took things from you. After all, there are good ones too. Well, there are aren't there? Like the times you're waiting in line at the stoplight and let that old lady out in front of you..or send an xbest friend a text saying happy birthday..good things..but these are never significant for you.. Why? Why can't the small good things hold any type of significance? Why if one bad thing goes a little askew does it ruin the potential for anything positive? Why do you WANT pain? Is it simply because it feels so familiar that you're scared to feel anything else? You are so used to this numb feeling--the pessimistic, it will never end and I'm never going to be okay feeling that you've forgotten the familiarity of joy. The sound of a genuine laugh, the pain in your cheeks from your life being so full that you can't NOT smile.Can you reverse the familiar? Its not like you want to be miserable, is it?  Trust me, you'd rather be happy. I know...It's just hard to when you feel the life your living isn't the one you should be..and that the one you should be living, is unobtainable. But can't you be the you you used to be?  You DESERVE the person you were. The one that was so carefree, off the wall, goofy. Laughed often, cried next to never..and only cried because someone ELSE hurt, not yourself. The one that believed in life and happiness and fought for what their heart beat for. The thing is, you just have to remember what it was your heart beat for..and even though its right under your nose..it seems you may never see it.